Mistakes Can Be Corrected
By profession I am not a teacher, not a psychologist but merely an accountant. But I have three daughters, now almost adults (18, 19 and 20 years old). And I want to share that part of my experience and observations which may be useful to all of us in the work of upbringing children.
Before attending classes in the School of Dr.Antonov, I was a very ordinary, average parent, who built her relationships with the children on the following stereotype: I am a mother, I love my children, I care about them, I wish them good, I am older, I have more experience — and I know better what must be done and how it must be done. And so I have the full right to establish rules, to impose my views, to give orders, to require that the children obey and to punish them if the result does not meet my expectations. Any freedom of will was allowed only within those limits, which corresponded to my ideas of what is good and what is bad. In everything, there was my struggle with children, because I tried to make them what I want them to be. This struggle went on with varying success: they frequently resisted, did not obey, were rude, and refused to carry out my requests and orders. It was painful to me, because I believed that they did it to spite me: after all, I knew what was good! Mutual resentments grew like a snowball.
And it would have continued so until the end of my incarnation if one day I had not said to myself: ”That's it! Enough! I have to do something, since I reached deadlock”.
I began to ask myself questions. Why do I live? What is the meaning of life? I did not just ask questions — I started to seek answers to them. I read different books, which I could find; I went to church. But there were very few answers, and the questions grew more and more numerous, until God showed me the path with the help of the books by Dr.Antonov.
It was a revelation to me! I read them — and could not believe that I had found answers to the questions that had been plaguing me for so long!
Later, when I began to practice these methods and rebuild my life, bringing it into correspondence with the intention of God, I reread these books many times. I do not part with them now, every time discovering in them something new, unnoticed by me!
Thanks to the work I have done on myself, I can see changes in the relationships with my children, for example, in their attitude towards me.
First, I gave them freedom, set them free from my tyranny. This does not mean anarchy and all-permissiveness! I simply removed nitpicking, “released” them, leaving as a connection link between us only my love, patience, compassion, and constant willingness to come to help.
I cannot say that it was easy for me. Even now I continue to struggle; but now it is a struggle with my own ego. And my children, who previously only tried to ignore me, are now attracted to me. They come for advice, come just to talk, to sit with me, to be together; they like to stay with me.
Now I try to raise them by my own example: how I try to improve myself. There must be no falsity here: it is only sincerity in relationships that gives a positive result! If I make mistakes in something, then I admit them and try to correct what can be corrected.
Children ceased to offend me — because I… ceased to be resentful! What sense does it make to offend a person who does not resent? Once my oldest daughter, after one of her misdeeds, suddenly said for the first time: “Sorry, Mom!”, and then added, “I know that you are not resentful — but anyway sorry!”
I am trying to teach my children to be self-sufficient: to make decisions, to carry out actions, and to assume responsibility for them.
Wisdom of parents in dealing with children consists also in giving them an opportunity to make mistakes and to learn from them, accumulating their own life experience. Of course, this should not turn into absurdity: for example, we should not stay aside and wait until the child acquires the experience of a drug addict, thief, or murderer.
But if there is too much concern and desire to protect the children from all the troubles and difficulties of life, then this prevents their growth, turns them into passive observers of life, into dependants: there is no sense to do anything if your parents will do it better. And in old age, parents receive the fruits of such upbringing: when they have to continue to financially support their grown-up children, who still lead a childish way of life.
In conclusion, I want to say that God teaches and educates every one of us — and in this respect we all are equal with our children. It is only stages of the training program that are different because of the age differences. Our mission is to help children master those stages of the program which we ourselves have already passed, though maybe not in the same way as it is destined for them. And we can do it optimally by our own example: showing the best way of doing something, of behaving in certain situations.
Only two years have passed since the start of my work on reforming, “re-educating” myself. My daughters are no longer children, and unfortunately, not all methods and guidelines described in this book are suitable for their age. Anyway, I can say that the result of my work makes me happy. Now in our house it is warm, cozy, and comfortable; we live in peace! It is not furniture and heating that create comfort and warmth in the home — it is good relationships based on mutual understanding, respect, love, patience, and compassion for each other.
… I “woke up” a little bit late in my life. So I want to advise you — do not waste time in vain! Indeed, the earlier you start working on yourself — the better the result will be! And in this work, you can receive much help from reading this and other books by Dr.Antonov.